If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He shit in the fireplace
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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