Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We are two peas in an std pod
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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