Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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