Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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