3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
