Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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