We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
