im drinking this country out of the recession.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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