i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize