Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
