While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
40s are totally the cure
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
