So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
