We're like a lot better than the average bears
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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