God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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