I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
