god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
