hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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