i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
