i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
