If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
