What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
