don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
