why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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