i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize