I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
