God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
