Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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