Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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