I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
