Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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