Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
