it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
