two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
