Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
