Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize