I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize