I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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