When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize