Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
