i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
