i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
