I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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