Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
