WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
