I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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