Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
