Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
