so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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