So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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