my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
