I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize