i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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