i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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