Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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