i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
