So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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