just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize