I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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