I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
