Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
