i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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