walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
