They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
