My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
