i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
