I think I won the penis lottery.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
