He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
