I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
