when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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