Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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