They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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